The Crossdressing Museum Robbery Dream

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We were planning to break into the museum. But we caught wind of another robbery that would take place on the same night. That was not on. This was our patch. So we decided to stop them.

It also happened to be the day I moved home. Yay! But I didn’t get the chance to take all of my possessions to the new house before the robbery took place… so I brought it all with us.

We got inside without a hitch, inside a giant crate full of my belongings, all Trojan horse style. They thought it was full of new exhibits. Hah. Well, if they thought my underwear was important enough to show the world then so be it.

That was when we saw them; three women in highly provocative clothing – one was dressed as a Playboy bunny – all walking seductively up the museum stairs. The security guards certainly enjoyed the view. They were mesmerised.

I snuck up behind them, grabbed the last one by the back of their dress, and just about managed to stop them from sneezing by grabbing their nose. I pushed them towards the giant crate, and once inside I realised this person was wearing my dress. My lovely white summer dress… and it was stretched beyond repair because this was no ordinary woman.

This was a man. A big, sweaty, hairy man, grinning broadly, wearing my dress. Bastard. I hit him with my bag until he took the dress off and put it back in my clothes pile. The diamond these guys had been stealing was within the pocket of the dress; a tiny little thing worth millions, so I hid it in the drawer of my bedside table.

I heard movement from outside. I jumped in the wardrobe, just as a museum guard walked past. He would’ve gone straight past me too, if it wasn’t for his OCD. He saw that the wardrobe door was open, and before I could close it, he saw my finger poking through the hole.

He grabbed me by the hair and threw me on the floor. My accomplices were also caught and tortured, but none were tortured as much as me. Somehow, these men had been informed. They knew I couldn’t die. So they tortured me to the brink of death and left me there. I blacked out.

When I awoke, I awoke in my new home. I was surrounded by my belongings which had already been unpacked. We were also surrounded by huge piles of money. I asked how we got away with it, and everyone just smiled. I was both physically and mentally exhausted, so I just shrugged and went back to sleep.

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The Godzilla With A Skating Fetish Dream

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It was the work leaving party of two people, and we were showing the new girl the ropes. She looked identical to the manager, which was pretty damn scary. Everyone around me was getting drunk whilst I poured drinks all night. So I decided to take a break from it all and went into another dimension, as you do. In there, however, was an old friend of a recurring dream; Godzilla.
I use the term ‘friend’ loosely. Me and Godzilla don’t get on. Yeah, it sounds stupid, but when you’re faced with a mutated dinosaur of that size, it’s actually rather scary. In this realm he looked terrifying, with glowy eyes and in full on angry mode.
So I hid. In an empty house, I climbed up to the room where a child once lived. There was no sign of life here anymore, save for the gorgeous little black and white kitten watching me in alarm. I shushed the cat, whose eyes were now big and almost fully white.
I scooped up a packet of awesome stickers with bugs on them, and I got behind the curtains of this little girl’s room, trying not to breathe. I heard Godzilla laugh. He knew I was here.
But then there was silence. Utter silence. I didn’t dare move for a while. Then it was clear; he wasn’t after me anymore. But there wasn’t anything else left in this godforsaken world – he’d already killed all humans.
That’s when I spotted the purple tear in the fabric of reality.
Shit.
My bad.
All portals now led back to Earth. He’d finally found another world to play with; my world. I had no choice but to confront him.
I walked through the portal back to utter chaos. People ran screaming in all directions as Godzilla crushed theirs homes and swallowed them whole. I was nowhere near the city where he ran amok, but I could hear him.
Just as I was wondering how I could misplace a sixty foot lizard, he came into view.
And it was hilarious.
He looked like a creature I once made out of play dough in nursery. His head was triangular on a stupidly thin neck, and he looked like he was made of rubber and ribbed. However, he was still a sixty foot lizard destroying half the city, so I wasn’t going to take it lightly.
And he was mocking me, waiting for me. A group of skaters tried escaping from the city, but one was not so lucky. Godzila picked him up in his hand, skateboard still attached and started to play with him. He made a mock skateboard ramp out of broken buildings and started zooming this poor guy over it, squishing him into the walls in the process.
I saw numerous skateboards damaged in similar ways, all outside the skateboard shop, where the sign, “Clearance, 75% off” hung in the window. Clearly, this was not Godzilla’s first rodeo. He had a thing for skateboards.
That’s when he saw me. I ran as fast as I could with this giant green blob chasing after me. I raced down the underpass most of the skateboarders had fled to. It was dark, but I could still sense the movement of a few survivors, many of them clutching at their precious skateboards. I carried on walking.
I saw my colleagues hiding around an abandoned wooden chair. They didn’t look happy. I walked over to them to tell them I’d sort it out, that everything would be okay.
“You’re fired.”

Sorry Excuses

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Sorry again! I really am getting bad at keeping up with blogging of late. I have once again been very busy. And in this post I shall update you on my recent comings and goings, and it will hopefully explain the lack of my internet presence…

  1. Final ever semester of University. I’ve been interviewing people for my dissertation, reading books on episodic memory (for dissertation, don’t ask!) writing the actual poems for my dissertation, and writing a 30 page script for my Advanced Scriptwriting module, and even when I’ve finished all this I’m nowhere near done!
  2. Work. I’ve been working a hell of a lot lately. Well, a lot for a student anyway. I’ve also been drawing up designs for the boards in the bar I work at, such as these:
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  3. Drinking. Like seriously, why are everyone’s birthdays and leaving dos and parties in February and March?! Spare a thought for the poor alcoholic students who should really be doing their work rather than going out and being merry…
  4. The Writer’s Quibble. I’ve been doing a lot of work for my University’s Creative Writing magazine lately. First we had to find editors to replace us when we leave, then we had to get March’s edition out there… very busy. You can see the latest edition here: https://writersquibble.wordpress.com/2015/03/01/fourteenth-edition-the-art-of-deception/

  5. Nothing to actually put on here. My bank of writing material has run rather dry at the moment. I’ve not even been having dreams recently! What’s wrong with my brain? Am I becoming… normal?
    …Plus all of my effort is being pumped into the above points.
  6. Sheer laziness. No other excuses for it really.

So yeah… I hope you can forgive me, but I am working hard! And with any luck I shall be back properly soon, with freedom to write and a degree slung suavely over my shoulders.

Currently on track for a first with my previous results. Woohoo! Fingers crossed I can keep it up!!

Anyways, back to work…